Thursday, April 13, 2006
FUCK OFF... THAT'S THE WAY IM FEELING RIGHT NOW...surprised to see me scolding vulgar?! yahz.. im scolding tt word with words noW! the first time in my life... no other words can express my feeling now other than this word... I HATE MYSELF!!!hate myself for not helping Jason to decorate e hall today...hate myself for leaving early for every meeting for orientation...hate myself for going back to get socks though im late for meeting for orientation...hate myself for saving every single bits of money juz to go ice-skate today...hate myself for not getting my fav food and drinks juz becoz to save tt money...hate myself for meeting my bunch of friends tt is not at all impt than the task given to me...hate myself for rushing all the way juz to meet a bunch of idiotic friends...hate myself for crossing red light without caring my own safety juz to rush to meet them...hate myself for dashing off the escalators juz to be faster...hate myself for not taking umbrella out to cross tt toopid traffic light though its raining...hate myself for rushing all the way into the fuji ice palace and found no one there...hate myself for calling them and no one bothers to pick up...hate myself for my stupidness of going there and went home after tt myself...hate myself for knowing a bunch of friends tt doesnt even know what im thinking...hate myself for not being independant enuff as a aquarius person...hate myself for being a gemini that are too relying on friends...hate myself for being too agitated juz becoz they doesnt bother to even wait for a few minutes...hate myself for going since its closing down at 530pm...hate myself for tt stupiest brain that doesnt tell mi that without me they will still be fine...hate myself for seeing that they are so happy without me there...hate myself for that no one calls back till i went into e mrt station tt is about a 5mins journey...hate myself for neglecting my poly frens juz to meet with the rest of them... hate myself for not having a shoulder to rely on when i needs it...hate myself for having no fate with ice-skating for my whole life...hate myself to the core... how i wish im not born into this world... and i will have no pain.. no sorrows... no nothing... i will never know all of u... and i will never have anger, unhappiness or worries le...haiz... no one understands that... i meant nothing to anyone... i will be e last to know anything that is happening... they are having fun theirselves now... and i shall not be a hindrance... haiz.. wonder when im old still got friends anot... i dun wan to be like my grandpa.. who sit and walk around doing nothing whole day and night.. passing every single day with boredom and no friends... mayb i shall hope i die early.. so i dun have to endure the life that is so miserable... and the world that is so cruel... and the trouble of not having enough money... and the pain of getting foes... though i still got unfulfill dreams and wishes... but can i juz pass away peacefully now... so i dun have to endure the pain and heartache of seeing other people passing away... since those that are left behind are those that have to endure those heart broken pains... so i wish i may juz sleep tonight and pass away peacefully... though time may erase and forget abt the events of me dying... but at least everyone cried for mi once... haiz... this is a cruel world... a cruel heaven... a cruel sky.. a cruel god... and my fate to meet those kind of friends is a cruel thing... or mayb all close friends may still leave mi in the end... so in the end no one still understands mi... and tts y god deliberately create mi to let mi endure these pains... mayb im a evil person in my previous life.. so im here again to repay all e debts that i have to... damn.. i make myself sound like a christian... im not looking down on them... juz that i dun like them.. forcing other people to join them... haiz.. nvm... ok.. shld not put e blame on anything or anyone then... shld hate myself then... my fault... haizzzzzz....
End of my melody... @ 4:03 PM
